


Wait

by LostCauses (Anteros)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, bereavement, canonverse, snk 84 onwards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:21:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8549548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anteros/pseuds/LostCauses
Summary: Levi sits and waits.  He has no idea how much time has passed since they returned.  Time no longer works the way it did Before.  It slips away from him now, trickling through his fingers like dust. He spends hours sitting by the window in the mess hall,  tie in hand, the familiar green stone smooth, warm and solid in his palm. The hardest thing to bear is the simple absence, the fact that Erwin is no longer here.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing after chapter 87 was published and then the incomparable @seitsensarvi posted [this](http://seitsensarvi.tumblr.com/post/153003861583/farewell) beautiful art and it just captured everything that was on my mind. 
> 
> So, since Yams won’t tell us where the fuck Levi is and what he’s been up to…

Levi sits and waits.

He has no idea how much time has passed since they returned. Time no longer works the way it did _Before_. It slips away from him now, trickling through his fingers like dust. The days run quickly, the nights burn slow. Levi waits, marking time, waiting until he can fulfil his vow. Hanji leaves him be. They know where to find him, know he’ll be ready when the time comes.

They know the truth of the world now. Erwin was right, of course he was right, Levi never doubted that. If only the rest of those bastards had listened to him sooner. Though it makes no odds to Levi any more, there is no place for him in this world, whatever the truth of it. He is already adrift, connected to the world by the slenderest threads, his vow to Erwin, and a will of iron.

After they returned some people offered their condolences, some their congratulations. Some condemned him, some wanted to see him hang. Levi doesn’t care. He made his choice and he would make that choice again. Even though his bones ache with grief, he would make that choice again. Even though he struggles to comprehend the sheer enormity of Erwin’s absence, he would make that choice again. It’s the hardest thing to bear, the simple absence, the fact that Erwin is no longer here. The hollow weight of it settles inside him, an emptiness that cannot be contained or filled.

No. He doesn’t regret the choice he made, though he regrets that he ever had to choose. He will regret that to his dying day, which hopefully will not be too long now.

_I should have broken your legs you shitty bastard._

Neither does he regret the thousands upon thousands of titans he has killed; the countless nameless people trapped in that mindless waking nightmare. He feels horror yes, utter abject horror, but no regrets. He did what he had to do. They all did. And they all paid with their lives. Levi knows it will be his turn to pay soon. And that’s fine. Kenny drummed that into him from the start.

_Pay your debts kiddo. You don’t want to owe any fucker a single fucking thing in this life._

Levi knows he’ll pay for every one of those lives, for every nightmare he ended, and he hopes that by the time he has done his penance Erwin will still be waiting.

~

He still trains of course, ruthlessly, punishingly, pushing himself beyond the limits of endurance. Levi is not done fighting yet, not by a long shot. But sometimes, when the weight of grief gets too heavy he just has to stop and sit. 

He spends hours sitting by the window in the mess hall. He doesn’t hide away or shun other people. All those that he ever cared for are gone, the presence of others is neither here or there. There’s only Hanji left now. He exists in a strange twilight limbo, where the dead feel more substantial than the living. His first squad, Isabel, Farlan, Mike, Nanaba, Gelgar, Moblit; they were all good people, people he trusted, people who knew how to follow, how to obey orders.  
And Erwin. Always Erwin.

Levi sits, tie in hand, the familiar green stone smooth, warm and solid in his palm. If the tie is not in his hand it’s in his breast pocket, the weight of if heavy and reassuring over his heart. It’s one of the few tangible things he has left and he clings to it like a lifeline. He never wears it. That would be wrong. It belongs to the Commander, to Erwin.

~

There are new cadets now, though why they are here Levi has no clue. No one knows who or what they are fighting for any more. No one except Levi, his duty alone is clear.

He pays the cadets no mind, and though he hears their whispered conversations, the words wash over him leaving no impression.

“Yeah, that’s him, Captain Levi.”

“They say he’s killed thousands of titans…”

“He’s smaller than I thought he’d be.”

“They used to call him Humanity’s Strongest…”

“Wasn’t he was at Shiganshina?”

“He used to be Commander Smith’s…”

The cadets generally give the grim, silent man a wide berth, though one or two of the braver ones sometimes bring him tea, placing it beside him, careful never to get too close.

One tall dark girl, bolder than most, breaks his silence.

“Captain Levi?”

He looks up, wondering if he’s supposed to know this girl.

“I brought you some tea.”

She places the cup on the table in front of him. He nods, hoping she’ll go away.

“Who were you talking to?” she asks curiously.

“When?’

“Just now, when I came over, it sounded like you were talking to someone.”

“Was I? Oh.”

~

Levi rarely sleeps now, and never in a bed. He hasn’t been near a bed since Shiganshina. There is no one now to nag him to lie down and try to sleep, so he just waits for exhaustion to overtake him wherever he happens to be sitting. There will be time to rest properly soon enough.

He dreams. Of course he dreams. He dreams of fighting, running, chasing. He’s not sure what he’s trying to reach, but he never gets there in time.

Sometimes he dreams of warm breath on his cheek, firm hands on his body, words in his ear that he can never quite hear. 

Levi fears those dreams the most.

One night he wakes with a start to find Hanji leaning over him, half dressed and hair loose. He’s in his quarters slumped in the chair by the bed and his door is kicked clean of its hinges.

“Fuck sake Hanji,” he snaps.

“Levi,” Hanji starts, face white as a sheet, “you were yelling, I could hear you all the way down the corridor. There was no answer when I knocked, you just keep on yelling, so I…”

They tail off and reach out one hand towards his face. It’s trembling and Levi is dimly aware that has never seen Hanji’s hands shake before. He recoils instinctively as the dream floods back to him; the rooftop, his face dripping with blood and gore. Levi lifts his hand to his cheek, it’s wet, but when he looks at his fingertips there’s no trace of blood, they’re just wet, and he can’t understand why that should be. 

Eventually Hanji leaves.

Levi sits and waits.

Just a bit longer. 

Just a little bit further

_and you’d better be waiting for me Erwin. You better be fucking waiting._


End file.
